Gourmand Hag Read online

see it. But she believed she finally understood what she was doing: delaying and distracting the monster to give her a chance to get away.

  An hour past as Trumbo kept bringing food to the ravenous crone. It devoured a roast, a whole ham, two chickens bones and all, an entire pike head to tail, five meat pies, three fruit pies, and a chocolate cake, never once letting go of Differel's arm. When it finished each dish, it bellowed for more, but Trumbo managed to stay ahead of it despite the speed with which it ate.

  The time allowed Differel to calm down and try to formulate a plan. She was amazed at the seemingly endless amount of food the hag could consume. If Trumbo was trying to sate it, she didn't think it would work. Rather, if she was trying to keep it busy until a rescue could be mounted, there seemed little hope of that as well. She had no idea what happened to Vlad, but she feared, after so long a time, that he must have been destroyed. She could hear people in the corridor outside, and every now and then a head peered around the door frame to check on the situation. She couldn't see who it was, but each time she saw it she signaled to stay back. The last thing she wanted was for a trigger-happy guard to spray the kitchen with bullets.

  The hag paused in her feast long enough the lick icing off her fingers and give an explosive belch. "That was indeed a repast fit for a king. My compliments, Maestro."

  Trumbo made a short bow. "Praise from Caesar. You are too kind, but I cannot take the sole credit. Much of what you ate was produced by my colleague earlier today."

  "Nonetheless, I am most pleased. It would be a tragedy to eat such an artiste as yourself. I shall let you live, in the hopes that one day you shall prepare a similar feast for my sisters."

  "Most kind; I would be honored."

  It turned to stare at Differel. "And now, for the final course." It grinned at her as drool leaked from a corner of its mouth. It took hold of the knife as she pulled away from it.

  "Just a moment!" Trumbo said. "I have one more dish to offer, the piece de resistance."

  "It would have to be a masterpiece to surpass what I have already had, mortal."

  "Judge for yourself." Trumbo stepped into the walk-in refrigerator and emerged carrying a platter that bore a three-foot tall conical object. Differel squinted and just barely made out a piece montee composed of golden pastry balls covered in a dripping glaze and decorated with wispy strands of gray mist and bats.

  "Voila! A croque-en-bouche of profiteroles filled with sherry-vanilla pastry cream and glazed with honeyed caramel, garnished with barbe a papa and marshmallow fluff chauves-souris. My speciality."

  The hag stared at the dessert in rapt concentration, seemingly oblivious to everything else. "Give it to me!"

  Trumbo crossed the room, but just as she reached the crone she stumbled.

  "Oh!" The platter dipped and the confectionary slid forward, threatening to tilt and fall off. The hag let go of Differel and lunged at it, reaching out to catch it. She darted away, summoned Caliburn, and pirouetted clockwise, swinging the greatsword in an upward cutting motion. As the hag caught the giant pastry, it turned, as if realizing its error. It was too late; though it was just a blur without her glasses, Differel didn't need to see it clearly. She was so close that the huge blade, longer than she was tall, bit into the monster's back. As Differel completed her turn, the sword sliced clean through the crone's diaphragm, cutting it in half. She wished she could have seen the expression on its face as it dropped to the floor.

  She stared at it, ready in case it regenerated, but the two halves lay lifeless on top of the dessert. Trumbo hurried around the opposite end of the table, took off her apron, and wrapped it around her body.

  As Trumbo tied it in place, she relaxed. "You can come in now."

  Holt charged into the room, an assault rifle at the ready, as three other troops followed. He scanned the area then called out, "Clear!" Two figures entered; she couldn't see them well but she was pretty certain they were Aelfraed her butler and Mrs. Widget her housekeeper.

  Mrs. Widget knelt down beside her. "Are you all right?"

  She smiled and nodded. "Yes, I'm fine, thanks to Phillipa." She looked up at the chef and winked.

  "Here, Madam." Aelfraed handed her a spare pair of glasses.

  She slipped them on. "Thanks, Aelfraed, that's much better."

  Mrs. Widget frowned. "The proper reply is 'thank you'."

  Differel couldn't help giggling, and Mrs. Widget flashed an embarrassed smile.

  "What happened to the Vampire?" Holt asked.

  Differel sobered. "I don't know. The hag told me her sisters were supposed to keep him busy. I'm afraid they may have destroyed him."

  "Not quite, My Master." A looming shadow rose up out of the floor and coalesced into her servant.

  She felt surprised relief. "You're alive?!"

  "Of course. The day five ancient crones can do me serious harm is the day you can drive a stake through my heart."

  Her relief burned away as her temper flared. "Then where the hell were you!?"

  "Temper, Master. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to teach you a valuable lesson."

  Her mind skipped a track. "I beg your pardon?"

  "If evasion and hiding does not work, and you are captured by a monster, the best way to gain the upper hand is to distract it in some fashion."

  "You mean, you left me at the mercy of that...thing...for a training session?!"

  "I would not put it quite that way, but essentially, yes."

  Her fury exploded. "It was going to have me for a midnight snack!"

  "I would never have allowed it to go that far, but nothing instructs better than experience."

  That mollified her; as usual, he was right. "Hmph. I see your point. And I do still have a lot to learn. I especially need to control my fear. At first, I was too terrified to think straight. If Madam Trumbo hadn't been here, I would have been butchered."

  "No one can control her fear, but you can learn to act while in its grip. That, too, comes with experience." He flashed a malevolent grin. "I would be happy to teach you that as well."

  She knew what that meant, and she didn't like it. "Sod off, you bloodsucking wanker."

  "Madam!" Aelfraed objected.

  "You watch your mouth, young lady!" Mrs. Widget said as she stood up.

  She palmed her face. "Oh, bloody hell. I think it's time I was in bed."

  "I couldn't agree more," Aelfraed said.

  "Very well, but just one thing. Phillipa?"

  "Yes, Sir Differel?"

  "How did you know it would be interested in those dishes you offered?"

  "I recognized it from the orientation briefs I read when your father first hired me, and I remembered them saying that hags fancied themselves gourmets but were in fact gluttons."

  "Yes, of course. But, where did you find all that food?"

  "It was being prepared for the party tomorrow night."

  "Oh, bother, I'd forgotten about that. Is there anything left?"

  "The appetizers and vegetable dishes."

  "Hmph. I suppose we could order in."

  The pastry chef laughed. "Don't worry, the staff and I will make do."

  She grinned. "After tonight, I don't think there's anything you couldn't accomplish."

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  For more information on Sir Differel Van Helsing and the Caerleon Order, see the official site [https://www.sir-differel.com/].

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  About the Author

  Kevin L. O'Brien was born with a pen in his hand.

  Well, not quite, but he has been writing for as long as he can remember, at least since First Grade. Writing has always been his first, true love, but it hasn't always been his career. He worked for 15 years as a biomedical researcher, then for 3 years as a web designer. However, after 30 years of trying to be published in print with little success, he has decided to try his hand at self-publishing. Most of his works will be sold as ebooks through various online retailers, but he also plans t
o make some available for free exclusively on Goodreads.

  He writes primarily speculative fiction--fantasy, science fiction, horror, and their sub-genres--but he also likes to try his hand at thrillers, suspense, mystery, and even westerns. However, his stories tend to have a fantasy element, no matter how subtle.

  Most of his stories involve the following three main characters:

  Medb hErenn [https://www.medbherenn.com/]--One-time queen of Ireland, she is over 3500 years old. A warrior and a sorceress, she cannot be harmed by any weapon made by the hand of man.

  Eile and Sunny, Team Girl [https://www.teamgirlforever.com/]--They are two adorable, vivacious, fun-loving young women whose motto is ONWARD TO ADVENTURE!!! Yet trouble follows them like a love-sick puppy wherever they go.

  Sir Differel Van Helsing [https://www.sir-differel.com/]--The descendent of Abraham Van Helsing and King Arthur, she heads the Caerleon Order, the premier monster-hunting organization of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth. She commands Dracula, the most powerful vampire extant, and the greatsword Caliburn, better known as Excalibur.

  He also writes a series of sword & sorcery stories set in an alternative universe known as the Lands of the Dreams of Men.

  Kevin lives in Denver with his family and 4 cats.

  For more information, see the Songs of the Seanchai [https://www.seanchaisongs.com/].

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  Discover other titles by Kevin L. O'Brien:

  A fidus Aranea, Barbarians R Us, The Christmas Vampires, Dark Vengeance, Disposable Commodities, Feline Savior,